» who???
Uhhhhhh. heres where i put current thoughts or small ramblings , just getting things out of my system and out thereshort vrs. of who i am i gesss. Im carpert or roze, and the master of this corrner of the web. i really just make wahatever comes to me at the moment so i just call myself a "creative." I dont get out much and there are deep issues with me x3!!! i also cannot spell for the life of me im so sorry////
» 11/10/24
Oh my fucking god.
Ok so after my awsome and epic maine trip that was super cool and stuff while i was gone i wansnt masking becuase its exsaughsting and i just wanna be be yaknow. So i meet cool people who are awsome and great who like me for while im not maksing so like cool im loveable! so i come back home not masking becasue yaknow its draining. For the first time in my life im not monotiering everything i say and do and the people who are interacting with me and im just chilling. Ive grown alot because of that trip and feel alot older but im just going about life. Its my senior year man, im applying to college rn, im just trying to live.
So why, why oh why. Why. Dose my best friend Who i Go To School With. Not like me. Why did i catch her talking shit about me to Other People That Go To Our School.. Why dose she not like me because of.... things symtomatic of my autisum. Whyy. Oh Why. Will she aknoledge it but then say its not an acsuse for,, saying and doing things that are rude and not realising. and then when somone tries to exsplain the nerodivergent angel to them she wants to feel like theyre telling her she to neurotypical to get it and in the end give someone who was defending me a 40 mineut painic attack. To shorten a story i cannot have out there i got kicked out of the discord containg my middle school group of online friends and no longer have a sense of community to interact with. If you know how to romanticize being alone hit me the Fuck UP.
i had my universal nurodivergent exsperience at 17 in the first week of senior year and it took exsatly a month for it all to fall apart!!(why there was no october update)!! anyway im back and trying not to relapse into some bad bad depression.. I need to lock in it JUST became winter and my seasonal depression is in the Spring this cannot last and shall to pass. with everything else thast been going on as a person living in the U.S of A.ss.... 1 billion bullets to me please todayyyy god why!!!!!!!!!!!!
im TRYING to get back into the grove to update the site agin but the world is testing me! lowke so happy i have this becuase otherwise i think i would be beddrotting right now.. but i want people to see my art, now i dont have a friend group to post stuff to anymore so its like. what now. I hate being alone. Learning to love doing stuff by myself but really its the lack of community i had. I have a really avoidit attachmet. like i kinda hate texting and am really bad at it but i have no one now. Ig i gotta lock in until i can get out of this fuck ass town. or get on tumblr or somthing.
i wanna to a creative retrospective for myself and the site for the new year but that would be done at some point in mid january if ive got the enery for it. Latter this month ill do annother update with more media stuff but i dont have the energy rn. who knows i might to it tommorow. I just dont wanna put this off any longer than i already have. I can feel myslelf dissasocating evrytime im in the super market like LOCK IN!!!!!!!!!!! THIS LIFE IS WORTH LIVING!!!!!!!!
» 9/13/24
» 9/13/24
I Actualy forgot to update Fukc
Been feeling alot of things recently and school started and i kinda let augst pass and was like "woah, its the endo of the month!" and them rember september firt that thrers somting i do at the end of evry month. Ive been wanting to do more frequent site updates anyway but i might just stick to my fun little monthlys. I though i would be able to work on it since im taking a web page desing class i should have some time to code for my site yaknow. if i didnt have the shitiest teacher ever.
anyway if anyone has any advice on when you feel like your growig apart from your friends as you feel more mature and you just dont feel like being around them but then being alone is lonley but you go hang out with them and its like wow this sucks. Would love some advice i think
On a Positive note i got a new camera! will write more about it on my camera page but ive begun investing in film!! it was just to fun to give up yaknow. ive got one i bought and then went and found one in the attic! why does my family own the lord of the rings moves on vhs? i coundnt tell you if i tried man. Positivity 2, this year im taking AP studio art, so i should finaly be drawing more constantly! nervous casue i havent really had ideas or drive for a while but i will perservere!!!!! i have to!!!!!!! Posotivyity 3; i might finally get diginosed for autisum !!!
got alot of work to do this month personally and for the site so work may be slow but ill be trying my best!!!!!!!!!!!!
» 6/30/24
Iforgot june was 30 days.. im writing because i like to update the day i update the night i put stuff but im really not done just yet. still putting up small stuff and birthday stuff since i dont leave until the 5th so im trying to get the most out that i can.
I havent been doing much in general as i kinda lazerd in on my trip but now ive done everything and have a few days of farting around, exspect some stuff to pop up on the site. im actually reall pround of the 2 new pages i made, the log and new games pages, they follow the sort of ethos that i really want for my site. It makes thing easier and more laid back for me so i can really put anything out there pretty easily. im tetering with loging games like wutherig waves i also play on there but thats for another time.
» 5/31/24
almost missed this month…
Anyway after dissociating for about 45-50 days i have awoken from the beginning of april!! And now that is so very late into the month I have made the brilliant decision of still technically keeping up with my once a month site updates with this new thing Ive invented! When a major depressive episode strikes or i am generally overwhelmed in life I will, with nothing to show for a months worth of time, do a larger journal entry here!! tell you a little more about whats happening in my world than normal and share some plans i have for the site for next months guaranteed actual update! (ive only used exclamation points so far can you tell im very excited) The only reason i had anything to put up in april is because it was stuff i already did the month prior and had yet to touch again. Im still really tired and really wanted to do literally anything in terms of code but God i forgot Finals exist.
Im out of school very so tho (thank GOD) and plan to do the site as sort of my daily activity because without structure i rot! And i have to because i have big plans for July cause thats my birthday month!! Im going to a pre-college program all july most likely wont be working on the site, im doing a birthday update for myself for the whole month!!!! dont know exactly what that means yet but it will happen!
Anyway for site related plans i had a fun idea for a show page. Basically im terrible at articulating my thoughts and cannot describe why I like anything (you know the bones of any sort of review or recommendation) so I might have a sentence (no promises) but itll mostly be shows i like and little graphics i make for them. Probably going to be majority stamps cause I just find them so fun but yeah!!!! Also wanted to overhaul the game page(s) i made into something much simpler and easier for me. I really dont like them but couldnt articulate why until i was drumming up plans for a music page and figured out why i coundnt get anything to stick. I keep trying to go big with stuff with lots of room for lengthy entries but thats not the kind of person i am (generally speaking..), I wanna keep my site more casual than that. I want it to reflect my as this might as well be my biography, so i gotta keep it like me.
In terms of actually site updates ive got some art to put up and some new pictures as well. I had to buy a new camera and while having it is better than not having it theres this guilt that wont leave me. When i lose something important that i carry around constantly, I feel as if i grieve like someone died. Sometimes i look at my new camera and feel like im staring at a taxidermied body of someone i knew. It fits differently in my hands, the lens comes out differently, the noise is sharper and lounder, its clearly a slightly optimized model, and the weirdest part is it fits into the box my old one came with. It was a gif from my grandma (dad’s side) and theres this styrofoam part where the charger and camera are supposed to go. My old one never fit because of its slight length extension.The new one fits like a glove. Its summer now and everythings a nice green, im sad i missed the flowers bloom but its nice to be able to look around and not feel the longing for my camera, and be able to appreciate the world again. Other than the reason for my current bout of depression i make edits!! more like amvs to me but i digress. I wanna give them a page on the site but havent decided about its look yet. And as a bonus for reading this (or not idk) you get to see some recent ones ive made ! ! !
[FLASH WARNING for the first 2]
» 4/20/24
ahaha i wanted to update the site six days ago But i forgot i get seasonal depression when the spring starts!!! i get really fucking sick and fell awful and then my allergies flare up and everything that can happens with my allergies!!!!! Thne then last week monday i lost my Fucking cannon Camera!, and I Know its in the house but i Just Cant Find It At All!!!!!!!! so that deepened my depressive slump but then my apple pencil broke,,,, Horayyyyy!! i got a new one yesterday but go dam am i not doing well. I have stuff from last month, new art, and my other camera ig but thats about it for now.
heres to finding my camera and doing better (and a little sleep maybe)!
» 3/2/24
Again Im updating at 12Am. But all that matters is that as of today I am 80% done putting up my videogame pages! all I need to do now it sit around and upload a few videos, simple enough. and since i'm mostly done i wanted to give a little check in. next on my list was the show page for reviews/talking about things ive watched but its harder than i thought. Sometimes i feel like i have nothing good to add, and ive never talked about shows i really like before so i really have to think when I shouldnt. More than embarrassing I can tell you that. (also why there is Still Nothing on the writing page.)Nobody talks about how hard it is having ocs. I mean they do, but thats already when you have them do you hear it. Theres never a warning about how painful it is to want to share but as the blue moon rises you lose your voice. personally have a brain defect called 30 plus little people chipping away at me and i dont know where to start most days and go back and change my css so slightly you would never notice! Ya see I have this new found despise for notion and want to try a different archiving system. Notion lacks the flexibility I need and is more primed for more words, while something like millanote seems to freeform for me to truly start. Though I might as well give it a shot, im lazy when it comes to this thing because I know its gonna take forever but you really gotta dive in head first some days yaknow.
Anyway the next thing i wanna have up is some oc stuff or my music page if i get to scared, see ya!
» 2/4/24
Ive decided to try and wake up at around 6 on the weekends, waking up earlier gives you more time in the day which i would love to have on my decompressing days. And while I would like to credit myself just trying to become better i must admit that i signed up for a 10am art class and was unprepared, all the extra sleep in the world cant compete with my snug-as-a-bug-in-a-rug ass until 8:45Am. Today i set the alarm and actually got things done, I was able to waste about 2 hours this morning on ebay looking at more digi cams, specifically i'm eyeing some camcorders, but also 3 hours this afternoon trying to do work! And instead of it being 7 it was 4:50!!! God it feels so good. Really this is also good prep work for the precollege program i just got accepted into, ill be going out of state and staying in the dorm. Its like real college but only for 3 weeks so it's going to be very stressful. Im not quite prepared but!! im saving my worry for April, because i have so much school work lined up for myself. Away from boring stuff, im working on quite a few new pages, i like starting thing but then i have to write, and im lazyy (i don't have the time in between more urgent already mentioned things). as this is a passion project it'll have to take a backseat for a while, while i try and keep back up with school. Its unfortunate really, the second semester and i gotta lock in cause all my classes ended up sucking but i can't afford to fail since i gotta get to this precollege thing.Yeah but ill try to keep up with anything i draw or keep this bi-weekly to weekly updates going. I expect to be very tired next week waking up early all week but ill come out the other side stronger!! oh and an aside about the notes recent digital thing i upload, the one with the mild nsfw warning (its just nuidy nothing sexual). They are my ocs!! i have to so so badly write for them but that will require working on the writing page because the way that it's set up now isnt great. I really wanted to make it thinking it would force me off my ass and to put something up but the page being up was enough for my brain. I might just throw something up with this to stop thinking about it.
Oh on that topic while looking for someone i last emailed forever i found old oc lore emailed to myself from my old tablet. They don't tell you your old writings give you war flashbacks because I was reading it over and could see the exact red hue of the notes font color I chose. I thought it went so hard, I couldn't sleep that night. Thinking up ways to put my lore up is giving me a headache considering how much i've cannoised everything in my head and how little it makes sense on paper. But i have to try my best, the second major i signed up for was illustration and comics after all! That's all for now, I dont want to write too too much now.
Take care then.
» 1/28/24
I t's 12 am rn and i've finished the art pages woooo!! ive got to take pictures of my sketches when its light again, but for now i'm quite tired. Still i thought to write now that ive finished, it will probably look very different this time next week but that's the fun of it aint it. also now that its there im motivated to get back to making silly animatics so i can put something there that is like over 4 years old yayyyy!!! also the music tab!! ugh im excited to actually be able to get shit out of my head for once. I think this sites really doing something for me. I might have to make a separate sub section for youtube mixes that i like, i've got to credit them for helping me make this site.today I also added a lot to my preexisting background, and a slight makeover to the index ^^ ! im really happy with it! I left the writing page brown because i feel it suits it, although it's still very empty. Its the thing im most scared of, oc stuff. But as i put up more art naturally i'll have to do small oc pages, and them i'll probably have something there. i might add more stamps that i've found to morrow to but i really got to get to bed so-
» 1/25/24
I feel like im avoiding the art pages. i'm quite bad at taking photos of my work but i also think im nervous just to put it up. I know im gonna end up being really perfectionist with the page layout but i have to try to do it. plus doing the other pages i have up in between is gonna take longer. Really i'm writing this during a break in my school work on my dying laptop. while i would like to feel like i'm doing something by coding im afraid of her exploding. I don't have a mechanical pencil on me today, it's not a big issue it's just that i like them to draw better than my other pencils. I don't have anything to really do as I write this. I could probably be doing charter writing but this is also fun, if it feels disjointed its because im just typing what's on my mind.I entered a bid for another camera, its a JVC GR-D775, its a dollar but 13 for shipping (us). It's got the box, cd rom, manual, everything. mint condition and i'm the only bidder, it ends in about 4 days and i'm afraid i might actually nab it. My mom just chewed me out for being irresponsible and told me I can't do or go anywhere because studying isn't involved and here I am buying a third old ass camera. I've already got my story for if ~15 bucks disappears from my card. but shes nice and im excited. I wish my mom was nice.
» 1/10/24
I want this site to be lame i think. Just like uncool. not in a lazy war or in a contrarian not like other people way i mean in like a genuine this is the best expression of the self kind of way. Because Im lame, I'm not cool. I bought a shitty camera off ebay for 20 bucks from a company i can't find shit about cause it looked funny. The only resource I could find for the model I have is this video of some kid and literaly Nothing else, like come on mann.I think I get too caught up in the way things appear to be sometimes, when I can form such elegant sentences and have concise conversations in my head yet cannot put pen to paper or raise my voice to my throat when it matters. I think if i make this site uncool when i have the time and strength to ill really make something out of it. or it'll get worse. And i know me.